Why Am I Such a Bitch?

It’s a question many of us have asked ourselves, often in the aftermath of a heated exchange or a snarky comment we wish we could take back. Maybe you snapped at your partner, rolled your eyes at a coworker, or said something cutting to a friend—and now you’re swimming in a sea of shame, wondering, What is wrong with me?

First, let me assure you: there is nothing wrong with you. That reactive, sharp-edged part of you isn’t evidence of a bad personality or a flawed character. It’s a sign of something deeper—a buildup of emotions that you’ve been holding inside for far too long. And it’s not just emotional; it’s physiological, rooted in how your nervous system has learned to protect you.

The Roots of Resentment

For many of us, this pattern began in childhood. Maybe you were taught, directly or indirectly, that your feelings and opinions were too much, too messy, or simply unwelcome. When you cried, you were told to “toughen up.” When you disagreed, you were labeled disrespectful. Slowly, you learned that the safest option was to keep your thoughts and emotions bottled up, prioritizing harmony over honesty.

But emotions don’t just disappear when we suppress them. They build, layer by layer, like steam in a pressure cooker. Your nervous system, designed to protect you, remains on high alert, holding all that unresolved energy in your body. And eventually, that energy needs an outlet.

Unfortunately, when we’ve spent years silencing our feelings, they don’t always come out in calm, constructive ways. Instead, they erupt sideways—through sarcasm, irritability, or passive-aggressive behavior. And while these outbursts might provide momentary relief, they often leave us feeling ashamed and disconnected from the people we care about.

The Cycle of Shame

Here’s the tricky part: after an outburst, we often beat ourselves up. We label ourselves as “mean” or “difficult,” reinforcing the belief that we need to suppress our emotions even more. This leads to a vicious cycle: suppression, buildup, explosion, shame, and back to suppression.

But here’s the truth: this cycle isn’t your fault. It’s a learned pattern—a survival strategy you developed to navigate your early environment. And like any learned behavior, it can be unlearned. Not just mentally, but physically—because breaking this pattern involves working with your body and nervous system, not against it.

Breaking the Pattern

The good news is that it’s entirely possible to shift this pattern and express your emotions in ways that feel aligned with your authentic self. Here’s how:

1. Name What You’re Feeling

When you notice irritation bubbling up, pause and ask yourself: What am I actually feeling underneath this? Resentment often masks deeper emotions like hurt, fear, or sadness. By naming these feelings, you’re not just understanding them—you’re signaling to your nervous system that it’s safe to feel them. This is important because you probably learned early in life that it’s not safe to feel emotions or express them, and that’s precisely what started this pattern.

2. Practice Small Acts of Honesty

If you’ve spent a lifetime holding back, the idea of sharing your true feelings might feel overwhelming. Start small. Instead of saying, “It’s fine” when something bothers you, try, “I’m feeling a little off about this—can we talk?” These tiny moments of honesty help your nervous system build tolerance for vulnerability, creating new neural pathways that associate authenticity with safety.

3. Set Boundaries With Compassion

Resentment often grows when we say “yes” to things that don’t align with our needs or values. Setting boundaries isn’t about being harsh or unkind—it’s about honoring yourself while staying connected to others. Practice phrases like, “I can’t commit to that right now, but I appreciate you asking.” As you do, notice how your body feels. Boundaries often bring a sense of relief or grounding, signaling to your nervous system that you’re safe and in control.

4. Release the Pressure Valve

Find safe outlets for your emotions before they reach the boiling point. This might look like journaling, venting to a trusted friend, or even taking a walk to process your thoughts. Movement is especially powerful because it helps release stored energy from your nervous system, bringing you back to a state of regulation.

5. Extend Compassion to Yourself

This one is my personal favorite. When you slip up (and you will, because you’re human), resist the urge to spiral into self-criticism. Instead, remind yourself: I’m learning. I’m growing. This is part of the process. And don’t just think about it, let the words sink into your body. Self-compassion isn’t just a nice idea—it’s a powerful tool that literally deactivates the stress response in your body. When you practice self-kindness, you move your body out of an activated state and into a state of calm and connection.

A Path to Authenticity

Breaking free from the cycle of suppression and resentment is not about “fixing” yourself—it’s about reconnecting with who you truly are. It’s about giving yourself permission to feel, to express, and to take up space without shame or apology. And it’s about working with your nervous system to create safety from within.

The next time you find yourself asking, Why am I such a bitch? remember this: your emotions are not the enemy. They’re messengers, calling you to pay attention, to honor your truth, and to show up for yourself in ways you may never have been shown before.

And when you do? You’ll find that the sharp edges of resentment begin to soften, making way for a deeper sense of peace, connection, and self-acceptance. Because you’re not “a bitch.” You’re human, and you’re learning to give yourself the care and compassion you’ve always deserved.

How Therapy Can Help

Somatic trauma therapy can be a powerful tool to help break this cycle. By focusing on the connection between mind and body, it helps you process unresolved emotions stored in your nervous system. Through practices like grounding, mindful awareness, and breathwork, somatic therapy teaches your body how to regain a sense of safety around feeling and expressing emotions, and move out of activation. Over time, this work allows you to effortlessly own your authentic emotions and boundaries with confidence, helping you feel true agency and autonomy in your life so you can leave the question of “why am I such a bitch?” in the dust.

About the Author

Martha Carter is a licensed therapist providing virtual services in Colorado. She is trauma-informed and trained in somatic, neurobiology-based modalities to help people with all types of trauma, chronic pain, and eating disorders heal from the inside out.

(Colorado residents only)