Am I People-Pleasing or Just Being Nice: How to Tell the Difference
It’s easy to confuse people-pleasing with being nice. On the surface, they can look the same—offering help, saying yes, showing kindness—but their roots couldn’t be more different. One comes from authenticity and generosity, while the other often stems from fear, rooted in trauma. Understanding this difference is essential if you’ve ever wondered, “Am I being kind, or am I people-pleasing?”
Two Flavors of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing isn’t one-size-fits-all. It can take on two distinct forms, both of which are survival mechanisms developed in response to complex trauma:
Placating or Becoming Small
This version of people-pleasing involves making yourself invisible to avoid conflict or judgment. You may shrink your presence, suppress your opinions, or mask your needs, all to ensure you don’t “rock the boat.” This behavior often stems from a belief that safety depends on staying under the radar and avoiding attention.Appeasing or Over-Attunement
The other flavor of people-pleasing involves trying to regulate someone else’s emotions to stay safe. This might look like being overly charismatic, playful, or even entertaining—anything to smooth over tension or prevent outbursts. You become hyper-attuned to the moods of others, constantly scanning the room to ensure everyone else is okay.
In both cases, people-pleasing is rooted in the same survival instinct: the need to ensure safety in relationships. Whether by becoming invisible or excessively accommodating, these behaviors are attempts to maintain connection and avoid danger in environments that didn’t feel emotionally safe.
The Essence of True Kindness
True kindness, on the other hand, comes from a place of authenticity. It’s rooted in your true self and reflects a genuine desire to care for others—not a fear-driven compulsion to please.
The key difference is this: People-pleasing feels tense, draining, and fear-based. Kindness feels expansive, nourishing, and free of obligation.
Healing from the Trauma Underlying People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is a learned survival response, which means it can be unlearned. Healing involves reconnecting with your authentic self and creating a sense of safety within your body and relationships. Here are some powerful ways to address the complex trauma underlying people-pleasing:
Somatic Therapy
People-pleasing often originates in the nervous system, making somatic therapy a vital tool for healing. This approach helps you reconnect with your body, release stored trauma, and create a sense of internal safety. Through practices like grounding, breathwork, and movement, somatic therapy can help you notice when you’re acting out of fear and give you the tools to respond differently.Relational Therapy
Because people-pleasing is often rooted in relational trauma, healing within the context of safe, supportive relationships is key. Relational therapy helps you explore your patterns in connection with others, untangle beliefs about your worth, and practice setting boundaries in a way that feels safe and empowering.Immersive Therapy Experiences
For those looking to dive deeper, immersive therapy sessions can provide a powerful container for healing. These intensives allow you to explore your patterns in a focused, supportive environment where breakthroughs can happen more quickly. Whether it’s a weekend retreat or a multi-day program, immersives offer the chance to step away from daily life and fully focus on your healing journey.
How to Start Recognizing the Difference
If you’re unsure whether you’re being kind or people-pleasing, try tuning into your body:
Ask yourself: Does this feel nourishing, or does it feel like I’m giving too much?
Notice tension: Is my body relaxed, or do I feel tight and anxious?
Explore your intention: Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I feel like I have to?
These small check-ins can help you begin to discern whether your actions are coming from fear or from a place of genuine care.
Reclaiming Your Authentic Self
You don’t have to live in survival mode forever. Healing is possible. As you reconnect with your needs, emotions, and desires, you’ll start to notice the difference between actions driven by fear and those rooted in love.
Through somatic therapy, relational work, or immersive experiences, you can begin to shed the survival patterns that no longer serve you and step into a life where your kindness flows freely from your authentic self—not from fear.
About the Author
Martha Carter is a licensed therapist providing virtual services in Colorado. She is trauma-informed and trained in somatic, neurobiology-based modalities to help people with all types of trauma, chronic pain, and eating disorders heal from the inside out.
(Colorado residents only)
