Why You Keep Ending Up in Toxic Relationships
Have you ever wondered why you keep finding yourself in toxic relationships, even when you’re trying to avoid them? You’re not alone. Many people with histories of trauma, especially chronic stress or harm, find themselves stuck in these cycles. The answer lies in how trauma changes the way our nervous system perceives safety and danger.
When Your Alarm System Goes Quiet
Trauma doesn’t just leave emotional scars—it rewires your nervous system. For some, this rewiring manifests as an overactive alarm system, where everything feels dangerous. But for others, trauma causes the opposite effect: their alarm system goes eerily silent when it should be screaming.
This phenomenon, known as disrupted neuroception, happens when the part of your nervous system responsible for detecting safety and danger goes offline. Neuroception is your body’s built-in radar for threats. When it’s functioning properly, you can sense when something or someone feels “off” and take protective action. But trauma, particularly from experiences like domestic violence or chronic stress, can dull these signals.
The Impact of Disrupted Neuroception
When your neuroception is compromised, it can:
Make toxic behaviors seem “normal” or unimportant
Leave you feeling calm during emergencies or crises
Prevent you from recognizing red flags in relationships
Cause you to downplay harmful or abusive behaviors in others
This can explain why someone with a history of toxic or abusive relationships might unknowingly end up in similar situations. Their nervous system isn’t sending the “uh oh” signals it needs to, so they’re unable to recognize danger until it’s too late.
Reconnecting with Your Internal Signals
The good news is that your nervous system can heal. Trauma work is about reconnecting with your body’s internal signals so you can honor them again. It’s not your fault if your alarm system has been rewired this way—but with time, compassion, and support, you can rebuild trust in your body’s wisdom.
Here are a few steps to begin this healing process:
Notice patterns: Reflect on past relationships. Were there early signs of toxicity you overlooked? Understanding these patterns can help you recognize them in the future.
Tune into your body: Practice noticing subtle physical cues. Does your chest feel tight around someone? Do you feel drained or uneasy? These sensations might be your nervous system’s way of signaling danger.
Slow down: Give yourself permission to take your time in relationships. Moving slowly allows you to check in with your body and assess how you truly feel.
Seek support: Trauma is complex, and healing often requires guidance. Somatic therapy can help you attune to your internal signals and reconnect with your nervous system in a supportive environment.
The Role of Somatic Therapy
In somatic therapy, we work directly with the body to rebuild your internal “alarm system.” For example, I offer immersive therapy sessions, which provide a unique space to deeply reconnect with your “uh oh” feeling. These focused sessions help you:
Slow down and tune into your body
Explore subtle cues your nervous system offers
Practice noticing and honoring these signals
With the right guidance, you can rebuild trust in your internal radar, protecting yourself from harm and creating a life where safety feels real.
You Deserve Better
Ending the cycle of toxic relationships isn’t just about recognizing red flags in others—it’s about reconnecting with the wisdom within yourself. Over time, and with compassionate support, you can create a life filled with relationships that honor your worth and your safety.
About the Author
Martha Carter is a licensed therapist providing virtual services in Colorado. She is trauma-informed and trained in somatic, neurobiology-based modalities to help people with all types of trauma, chronic pain, and eating disorders heal from the inside out.
(Colorado residents only)
